stonecriesout

6 words per month

I'm not the best 6-word memoir author, but I have 6 words for each month of 2009.  Here ya go:

January: Gave thanks. Walked home late nightly.

February: Lost friendship, my fault, I'm sorry.

March: Anonymous birthday breakfasts.  Great to reconnect.

April: Junior's back.  Nothing else matters.  Nothing.

May: Frustrating dealings with Municipal Courts = Expensive.

June: Friends are leaving.  Friendships are not.

July: Sunday softball is all I've got.

August: God laughs, plans change, I'm leaving.

September: What have I gotten myself into?

October: Flu came, we all got it.

November: Brink of exhaustion, time to rest.

December: ???  T.B.D.

Home, I guess. Maybe. I dunno. . .

Just thinking about those few days I was in Bellingham a few weeks ago.  On tour for part of it, but having time to see friends, share meals, visit brewpubs, spontaneously meet fake sisters for desserts.  Driving around in the rain wondering if I could swing by friends' houses.  Feeling like I was among the last of the folks my age "still here."

It's strange--I still can't describe my feeling about that week.  It's either that I was bored, or that I was ready to settle in for the long haul.  And oddly, I think it could be both at the same time.

I was mentally/emotionally prepared to move to Seattle in September.  I'm still prepared to leave Bellingham.  But should I?  I loved being at First Pres.  I loved the homes I stayed at.  I loved that I gained the impression I really didn't know everyone in town.  It made me want more.

I'm surprised at how much not having a home is affecting me.  I don't actually live in Bellingham, Allyn, Kent, or any other place.  I don't live in any of the places I'd be willing to move to, either. . . Seattle, Tacoma, Redmond, the East side.  I guess I am learning that I just want a place to pour myself in to.  So when I do decide on a home when this tour ends, it'll have to be a decision I make with my heart (I'm fully aware of the girliness of that sentence).

So, Bellingham.  Are you my home?  I have no idea.  I guess.  Maybe.  I dunno. . .

Thanksgiving, a little late

As a general rule, I have historically disliked Thanksgiving.  The dishonest folklore, the voluntary historical amnesia, and the pettiness of many Thanksgiving-related traditions.  I think Jon Stewart said it best during his 2nd full season on the Daily Show:
"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way.  I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."
The redeeming factor for me when I was younger was the feast.  I would eat as much as I could--turkey, mashed potatoes, and a tiny bit of stuffing.  I loved Thanksgiving when I lived with my aunt & uncle, because we would eat the feast for 2 weeks--the week before from the "practice" run, and the week after with the leftovers.  The feast I definitely did not mind.

As many of you reading know, family has always been sort of a strange experience for me.  Up, down, all around, some people are OK, some people aren't, you know.  It hasn't been the Cunninghams, the Huxtables, or even the Simpsons.  So gathering with family had a varied depth of meaning for me on a year-to-year basis.  Typically I would plan on being at my aunt & uncle's house, because I could always depend on them planning that giant feast for whoever made the trip out to Allyn that particular Thursday afternoon.

As (I'm trying to start every paragraph with "as") the years have rolled on by, I've grown up in Bellingham, and my family has of course changed a few times for different reasons.  One of those reasons is because the younger of my two cousins got married a few Summers ago.  As a result, I have had the distinct pleasure of sharing 3 Thanksgivings with both our family and her family.  Every year, Jillian sits down at supper and promptly asks each of us to share what we are thankful for.  A tacky tradition maybe, but it is important to her!  So we do.  And without fail, all 3 years she has cried as she shared, usually overcome with love for our families and joy that we can all share together.  She by far outdoes the rest of us.

As (still going) you can imagine, there was a part of me in those earlier years that thought this to be another petty tradition.  Just silliness, avoiding the reality that we were celebrating genocide (I used to be quite the little soapboxer).  But in our 3rd year now, I could really see that her free outpouring of thankfulness and joy is something I should hope to aspire to.  My cynicism in the past prevented me from really being able to appreciate what God has provided for me.  A safe home, my every day needs are provided for, I am able to care for myself, I am educated, and I have loving & supportive people all around me.  I was inspired as I sat and experienced her pouring her heart on the table for us to share.  We pretended to mock her, but I think we all really admired her.

So (dang it, I couldn't do it), as I sat at that table that evening, and as I pass through evening after evening of different cities, homes, churches, schools, and gas stations, I carry within me now an admiration for thanksgiving--not the holiday, but the spirit.  Those who share that spirit freely, and inspire others to do the same.  I hope I can experience that freeing thankfulness one day.

Home, I guess?

Well, I made it back to Bellingham.  Driving around yesterday and today, I felt a little more strange than I thought I would.  This is home. . . I guess.

I went to some familiar haunts: Best Buy, Avellino, Avenue Bread, Barkley Starbucks.  Saw some familiar faces, reunited with some familiar tastes, but in general felt like a "stranger in my own home."  This city is my home town, but I have no home here.  I live here, but I don't live here.  It's a weird feeling.

I don't know if Bellingham will be my home come the end of July 2010, but I do know that I will consider it my home until I make that decision.  Isn't there some old saying about Home being where all your Stuff is crammed in a Storage Unit?  That's the one I'm living now.

What I do know for sure is that I have a community here that I love and that loves me back, and even if I move on in July, I'll appreciate deeply that I had the opportunity to be a part of this community.

Month 1: the hip-hop

As you can imagine, I have to keep the bus music pretty kid-friendly, so we have been on a steady rotation of Destiny's Child, Mariah Carey, Boyz 2 Men, Michael Jackson (& the Jackson 5), James Brown, and plenty of lousy pop-country hits from the radio.  In the meantime, I've picked up a few new albums while on the road, and I have to say: September wasn't a bad month for hip-hop.

My first purchase on the road was Jay-Z's The Blueprint 3.  Being a huge fan of his first Blueprint album, I had high hopes for Blueprint 3, especially considering the 2-disc misguided transition piece that was The Blueprint 2.  Since 2, he has released a bona fide classic (The Black Album - 2003), a somewhat forgettable comeback album (Kingdom Come - 2006), a themed-yet-dynamic pseudo-soundtrack pseudo-memoir (American Gangster - 2007), and now this.  I have to say I was thrilled in July when I first heard "D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)," as I saw it as Jay using his power for good.  He has long been ahead of the trend, the fashionable, the popular--it seemed right that he would be the first mainstream artist to publicly defame the auto-tuned mess of radio material--and he never actually used the auto-tune himself.  How many guys who consider themselves relevant can say that?  Anyway, back to the album.
Not a classic.  Doesn't change the game the way Blueprint did.  But also not as forgettable as Blueprint 2.  Jay is a much different man and a much different artist than he was when he made those albums.  He has been CEO of Def Jam, he got married, he is currently seated as the most powerful MC alive, and he takes his roles seriously.  What he does on this album is good.  He rhymes well, he collaborates with other great artists (Alicia Keys, No ID, Kanye West, Pharrell Williams), invites new gifted artists (Kid Cudi, Drake, Rihanna), and tries his hand at some styles that aren't necessarily straight from the BK.  "On To The Next One" is my personal favorite of these--the beat sounds straight out of the Bay--like a Zion I or Grouch beat, complete with multiple switches.  Jay rides it effortlessly, though it does seem strange to have the NYC top-of-the-throat rhyme style over a beat that you'd typically hear a laid-back-basement-studio voice on.  It works, though.  I also applaud "A Star Is Born," in which Jay pays respect to most of the artists who have gotten big during his 13-year tenure at the Top.  You can hear how he views each of their successes, but what is most interesting to me is that each has faded away by now, and he has not.  He is still in the forefront, chronicling their eventual irrelevance.  I have a feeling that if Jay keeps grinding and staying ahead of the game as he has up to this point, we can expect many more good things from him before he finally calls it a career.

The other new album I am excited about is Kid Cudi's album Man On The Moon: The End of The Day.  I knew Cudi from his work on Kanye's 808s & Heartbreak (which I really liked and wrote about in this post), but I didn't really know what to expect from his first full album.  I wasn't thrilled when I heard "Day N Nite" on the radio this Summer, but it grew on me, and I could tell Cudi was striving for creativity and newness in his music.  I've had the album for a week now, and I can't stop listening to it.  It certainly fits the title: it sounds like the digitalized, romanticized trip to the moon.  The "Lonely Stoner" chronicles his romantic mishaps, his escapist tendencies, and all the while balances a mellow feel with a charismatic sense of humor.  He doesn't try too hard to be "different," because he really is doing something that nobody else is doing right now.  You can hear some flashes of 808s & Heartbreak, but it doesn't deter from Man on the Moon as much as it does clarify some of the genius behind 808s.
Like I said, "Day N Nite" wasn't my favorite, but "Soundtrack 2 My Life" pulled me in, and no tracks made me want to back away.  I recommend this album to anyone who is seeking hip-hop that rejects the formula.

I also am enjoying:
Q-Tip: Kamaal the Abstract

I am having fun with:
Busta Rhymes: Back on My B.S.

I am already semi-bored with:
Drake: So Far Gone

Thanks for checking in, everyone!  Any recommendations?

The easy part

Now that I've told you about the hard part, I'll show you about the easy part.

The kids man, the kids.  They make any hard part of this life so worth it.  Every day they inspire me, they make me laugh, and they let me know that they appreciate that I want to be with them.  And watching them perform. . . it's bananas.  You just have to see it for your self.  I'll show you a few photos and you can see why this life is awesome.

This is the easy part:

< Frank, Myself, & Edward after 2 intense rounds at LaserQuest! >

< Peninnah, Saffina, & Jackline show me their power! >

< Performing "Over All The Earth" >

< Performing "Lunyege Dance" >

< Still going on "Lunyege" >

I hope you can gather from this tiny sample how much fun we are having.  The choir is extremely well-polished and explode with energy on stage.  I've been watching them perform all month and it hasn't even begun to get old.  They are truly inspiring!

I hope you can all come see us when we are in your area.  Please see our tour dates and follow our blog for updates!  Thanks all for your ongoing support. . . it's much needed and much appreciated!  

The hard part

Leaving Bellingham was not the hard part.  Going on tour is not the hard part.
Leaving my close friends was not the hard part.  Forging new relationships now is not the hard part.
Leaving my favorite coffee shops & restaurants was not the hard part.  Not choosing what I eat now is not the hard part.
Leaving my apartment was not the hard part.  Changing homes every two days is not the hard part.
Leaving Starbucks was not the hard part.  Working 24/7 with CCW now is not the hard part.
Leaving a relaxed life was not the hard part.  Barely having time to relax now is not the hard part.
Leaving my books was not the hard part.  Not having time to read now is not the hard part.
Leaving my CD collection was not the hard part.  Listening to the radio now is not the hard part.
Leaving familiarity was not the hard part.  Constant amiguity is not the hard part.

The hard part was change.  Change meant newness.  Change meant challenge.  Change meant demand.
The hard part was saying, "Yes."  "Yes" meant I was willing to change.  "Yes" meant I would sacrifice.  "Yes" meant I was accepting potential failure.
The hard part was my fear.  Fear asked me to withdraw.  Fear suggested I stay in Bellingham.  Fear wanted me to stay small.
The hard part now is to lead.  Leadership means confidence.  Leadership means sacrifice.  Leadership means invisible humility.  Leadership is hard.
The hard part now is to unconditionally love.  Love means vulnerability.  Love rejects cynicism.  Love accepts all.  Love is hard.
The hard part now is to be patient.  Patience is the cornerstone of ministry.  Patience means discerning worthy risks.  Patience demands maturity.  Patience is hard.

Leaving was not the hard part.  Going was not the hard part.
The hard part was internal.  Still is.

Under the stars

This has definitely been a crazy week.  We've been on the road now for 10 days, and the kids have already given 9 official performances (with one more tonight).  We've been with them for less than 3 weeks, so right now I am in a strange balance where I am bonded with each of the kids but still learning about them and finding out who they are.  They are incredible and wonderful children, and every day I am overjoyed that this is what I get to do for the next 9.5 months.
That said, yesterday was one of those nutso days!  Sunday the kids performed three times, so we had quite a bit of bookwork to do, and we are still learning the systems.  It took us longer than we hoped, so that cut our time short getting to other tasks at hand.  We also unexpectedly ended up providing transportation for the kids going all over the tri-cities, so that pulled us away from our other responsibilities.  It was just one of those days that we can learn from and hopefully plan for better in the future.
I never really got stressed out, but it was a challenging day.  By the end of it, I was preparing Mailings and Booking Info at my host home at midnight, and setting my alarm clock to wake me up in time to get to Starbucks to get online by 7am, leaving me about 2 hours to work and blog before I had to rendevous with the kids and get us all on our way to Othello.  It was a full day.

On the drive to my host home from the home I dropped the last of my kids at, I noticed I was miles from any streetlights, and I found a place to park on the roadside.  I figure I just have to seize any opportunity I get to have a moment alone with something beautiful.  I got out of the bus and looked up at the stars.  I could see more stars than I can remember since I was a little kid.  When our family was on a late-night drive through South Dakota in 1995, we pulled over and looked at the stars just like I did last night.
As I turned around and saw all the stars above, it looked to me like a dark canvas with many led-type lights implanted in confusing and complex patterns.  Nothing profound I understand, but it felt very strange.  More like I was looking at the ceiling of a planetarium than the actual sky.  Of course when I see these things I try to connect with history, and I understood why there are so many far-fetched explanations for the stars and the planets.  It actually felt uncomfortable--I felt very vulnerable and fragile.  Like it could all cave in at any time, and I wouldn't stand a chance!  I withstood the discomfort for a few minutes before I finally got back in the bus and drove home.

I wonder why I felt such vulnerability in those moments.  I don't even really have any good guesses.  I just felt vulnerable.  I haven't felt that way in a long time, mostly I think because I can usually control my vulnerability, especially in relationships.
I got to thinking that even while working in such closeness with 13 others on this trip, I guess I am still insulated from vulnerability with them.  They are strangers to me, and in 9.5 months we can say Good-bye for the last time if we choose to.  And along the way, the only person who controls how I feel is Me.  So I am insulated in many ways and can decide how open and how vulnerable I am in this life.

I have many friends who I do not fear closeness or loss with.  I cherish them and love them as much as I can.  I was lucky enough to see my sister while I was in Kennewick, and she is the same--she can say anything she wants to me--I know she loves me and she knows I love her.  I have no fear with her and I know she would only cast judgment on me if I was living in a way I would disapprove of for myself.
But not being with those people on this tour enables me to hide if I choose to.  To get back in the bus if the canvas feels too constricting, so to speak.  I wonder how it will go.  I wonder how long I will stand outside under the stars, when the opportunity comes.

First Performance: Selah

Man, what a crazy day!  We woke up early, got the kids to church, and just. . . gave it a shot!  We (I) learned a few things about what we need to do in the future, but the kids--the kids were incredible, of course.

This of course was our first of 150ish performances between now and July.  The kids perform about 3/5 of their songs, then I give a presentation on Childcare Worldwide and what we do, the kids perform the rest of their songs, then I ask the congregation to find a way to contribute, the kids do one last song, and then we go.  The first service yesterday went pretty well on both accounts, but the minor adjustments we made for the second service really made a difference in the polished appearance of our performance.  I greatly improved my presentation just based on some small bits of feedback from one of our Bellingham staff members who attended, and the kids' flow of the songs changed a bit and tied it all together beautifully.
More than anything, I can say that I was so proud of how the kids really came out and performed with their whole hearts and were so excited to hear that 24 children were now sponsored by people in the church.  The kids of course Thanked God for that and were anxious to get on to the next show.

Here are some fun photos from the performances and our pool party at one of our host homes!  Thanks for checking in, more to come as we go along!  Also check out the Official UOC Tour Blog (which I also author) at http://www.ugandanorphanschoir.wordpress.com.

   

Our stay with the Andersons!

< The Choir with the Anderson family >

Look at all those happy faces!  We were so grateful to the Anderson family for showing us all the perfect welcome to our new environment and new family.  Steve, Tami, Marci, and Michael wasted no time making all the choir members and leaders feel right at home!  Uncle Steve and Auntie Tami fed the kids, entertained the kids, and are even sponsors of one of our boys, Edward (red hooded sweatshirt, just left of center).  Auntie Marci is a former Assistant Tour Leader, so Sherae and I got to see an experienced example at work before our very eyes!  She was like magic with the kids--we all wish she could go on tour with us this year.  Uncle Mike was like big brother to our boys.  They loved his jokes, his crazy hats, his wrestling moves--he even built them a slip-n-slide!  We were all so glad to have begun our time together in this wonderful home!  Check out some of the fun things we did:

< Above: Auntie Marcie with Frank, Ronald, Kalim, Edward, & Peninnah (and Lucky!) > 

< Peninnah, Safina, Joan, & Brenda >

< Kalim & Edward lead the way down the slip-n-slide >

< Edward, Kalim, & Denis, giving us a preview of things to come! >